Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don't know who's looking back at me. She has bluish-gray eyes, a cute little nose, bushy eyebrows and a big ugly double chin, just starting to sag with age. Her eye lids started sagging years ago. Her breasts have flattened and of course, like the rest of her, sag as well. I don't think she's ugly but I don't see any appealing characteristics. I can't even look at her Buddha belly. I don't have a very flattering image of myself. I think a lot of people, especially women, have low self-image. People tell me I have confidence and that I carry myself with pride and dignity but in reality there's a little girl inside who doesn't really like the little girl looking back at her in the mirror everyday.
Today was one of those days. I looked in the mirror this morning and I didn't like who was looking back at me. I don't know where she came from. She just showed up today, out of no where. It's the little me trying to sabotage what the big me has been doing the last three months. She doesn't like eating right, exercising and taking care of herself on the inside and out. She's pouting. She's comfortable with who she's been for 45 years and doesn't like change. So there!
Things did not change for the better in the middle of the day, no matter how hard I tried to be mindful of my thoughts and feelings. I thought if I saw a picture of the newer me, taken over the weekend, I would feel better, so I asked a friend to send it to me. The woman in this picture is twenty-one pounds lighter and on the road to a healthier and happier woman. I don't know what image I had in my mind but when I saw that woman staring back at me, I was not impressed.
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| My GF and Me March 2011 |
Self-esteem is a powerful, powerful thing! I mean really! Where did my self-esteem go? Did I ever really have any? Who the hell do I think I am trying to look and feel better about myself inside and out? Like I said, a hard day.
The day progressed into evening and I set off to a new yoga class. A class held at my new gym. I didn't do any research into what kind of yoga. I just walked in and sat my ass on a filthy borrowed aerobic mat and watched all the pretties walk in. Gawd, I thought, what the hell was I thinking? This, I learned, was flow yoga and when she means flow, we flow, through every single position without stopping. Kicked my butt and now I'm exhausted.
I will make it through this day. I will help that pouting little girl feel better about the changes that are coming. We ate healthy today. We stayed on course with exercise. We will walk down this path together. Someday, no matter what my body looks like, I will love that woman looking back at me.
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How annoying! I commented earlier. :( I said, I'm impressed with your honesty, your willingness to share probably painful feelings. I'm pretty sure that the mere fact you had the courage to post them will begin that process of identifying what self-esteem is for you. You've had 40 years of bombardment from media and well-meaning but ultimately damaging friends and family. It'll take more than a few months to make that little girl stick out her tongue!
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